There’s a lot to say. Somehow it’s not really flowing.
I bought my flights home for Thanksgiving. It was surprisingly difficult and I probably wouldn’t have done it without the encouragement of a friend, who sat next to me while I selected a middle seat on the flight because I waited so long to purchase the tickets. I felt nauseous thinking about making my way across the country, by myself. Lately I get very anxious if I am in a situation that I cannot easily excuse myself from. So, we’ll see how this goes. I am looking forward to seeing my family and I think there will be a lot of comfort in being there, at my parents house and spending time at my sister’s place. Seeing my brother’s new house for the first time.
It will also be extremely difficult, and I would rather not have to painfully endure the middle seat of an anxiety-ridden plane ride. By myself. Going home to be with my family. By myself. But, I guess I chose that option. So I think I’m going to do it… if I can actually make it on the plane.
A friend was comparing my experiences lately to the experience of the Japanese people after the tsunami. After the devastation and traumatic destruction, spring came. And amidst the incredible chaotic aftermath, the cherry blossoms bloomed. The seasons continued, on schedule. What a strange experience, that brings the natural flow of life to feel so unnatural, confusing, and at times unwelcome.
Thanksgiving, then Christmas. New people moving into the house. A new person was hired for Sean’s position at work. My brother and sister in law will have their third child in April. Life moves on, though it feels that I should not. I feel guilty for thinking about it. I feel a tension between the reality of my life right now and the changing of the seasons- the new friendships and differences being created as I continue living. Time doesn’t stop, though it feels as if it should. The earth still turns, people continue living and making decisions that sometimes affect my life. I make decisions that affect others’ lives.
My life continues. How strange.