Dreams

Beauty underwater

I’ve had three dreams about Sean since he died.  I want to write them here so I don’t lose them. The first was a while ago… maybe five months ago.  I remember that I had moved my bed to another corner of the room because it was getting difficult to sleep in the same place that Sean and I slept together.

In this first dream, it was some ambiguous amount of time after Sean died, and we were having a second memorial service for him.  We asked Moose to speak again during the service.  It was in the same place, at First Baptist.  Only a handful of people showed up, and everyone was in black.  Our family was there, and maybe just a handful of others.  Moose spoke, but it was about something else- I don’t remember what.  It wasn’t about Sean at all, and I was infuriated.  I was so angry that people were moving on and not giving Sean the honor and memory that I thought he should have.  I didn’t know what to do and ended up just being so angry and upset about it. The dream really stuck with me when I woke up, for obvious reasons.  I was also aware that I Sean was dead even in my dream, and I was kind of envious of other people who had dreams where Sean was still alive.

The second dream I had about Sean was a little while after that.  He was alive this time in the beginning, but really sick and I was helping him get around the hospital.  He was cheery and positive as always, and I was running around from doctor to doctor, trying to talk to everyone and coordinate what he needed.  I got a wheelchair for him so he could get around.  Then he died.  I didn’t see it happen in the dream, it was just something that kind of happened.  So he was there and then he wasn’t.  And I was at the hospital with him, and then without him.

The third dream I had was sort of recent, maybe a month ago.  We were in a rainforest for some reason…. me and the whole Trank family.  Sean had died but was alive again and there with us, except he was different.  He forgot a lot of things, and wasn’t really himself.  It really resembled how he was when he was sick and kind of delirious.  I was ECSTATIC though to see him and to be able to hug him, and just kind of attached myself to him and didn’t want to let go.  We had to get to Rina’s birthday party, though, which was all the way up a river.  I’m not the strongest swimmer, and although Sean used to love the water, in his resurrected state he didn’t know how to swim.  So I put him on my back and tried to carry him up the river.  I couldn’t do it, and we were both sinking together.  I called out to Aaron, who was ahead of everybody, leading the way.  He put Sean on his back and successfully brought Sean and the rest of us to the party.

All these dreams were so vivid and the kind of dreams that really stick with you when you wake up.  I wish I had dreams that provide a space for me to interact with a normal, healthy Sean.  But I know each of these dreams have been a reflection of different stages of my processing his death, and events surrounding that.  They each reflect deep thoughts and feelings and I’ve dealt with and will probably continue to deal with.  So… just wanted a space to write them down and remember the process.

March 2nd Edit:  I woke up yesterday morning from another dream.  Sean wasn’t really in the majority of it, but it was me navigating the hospital and making friends with the nurses, mostly.  At the end, I was trying to get into Sean’s room but he had just vomited or something and they didn’t want me to go in.  I got really upset and felt that he needed me with him there, and asked why I couldn’t be in the room.  The nurse reluctantly let me in.  Sean looked at me, and I saw his face so clearly in the dream.  He was slightly confused and asked what the hospital staff was doing.  He looked at me, thinning face and overgrown hair, and I just stared at his face and saw so clearly his bright blue eyes.  I sat next to him and tried to comfort him.  Then I woke up.

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