To age a lifetime

I started this blog exactly three years ago with this post.  Re-reading what I wrote at 25 makes me pity my much younger self.  I wholeheartedly still agree with the things I wrote.  But- of course I wrote those things.  Of course I was thankful for my life and hopeful for the future.  Of course I was excited for the ways that I thought God would continue to shape me in greater freedom as a person.
I had never experienced life-altering heartache.

Birthdays can be difficult for a multitude of reasons.  Maybe there are unmet expectations.  Maybe it augments loneliness.
For me, today was a reminder that where I feel most at home- most comfortable and most like myself- is in the memory of someone who is not here with me.
That’s a really cold embrace.

Now, I can express the same sentiments I wrote three years ago:  that I can see the ways God is continuing to help me grow into deeper freedom.  That he has brought loving people into my life that I am so thankful for.  That he has been faithful to me and continues to teach me about life in a gentle and patient way.  The feeling of these expressions, three years later, is much different than when I originally wrote them.  But they remain.  Twenty-five year old Sarah, you didn’t know you would age a lifetime by your 28th birthday.

Twenty-eight year old Sarah, somehow you still feel like a nine year old trying to awkwardly figure out the nuances of life.

Sean, I miss you and I’m thankful for the one month of my 27th year that you spent with me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s