I’d like to say that the Christmas season has sparked this thought for me…. but to be honest, it’s more because I have felt so deeply weak and vulnerable since moving to Los Angeles almost exactly two months ago. This move continues to uncover new layers of what it means to be settling and living out a ‘new life.’
I live in LA because Sean died.
I live in LA because I want to be here, pursuing a grad program I am passionate about.
Holding these two truths simultaneously is heavy and is hard. And really, working out both of those truths in a very physical and tangible way is confusing and can be exhausting on so many levels. I feel weak and I feel vulnerable, and I feel like I need a lot of help in building a life here.
And I keep coming back to this: Jesus came in the most weak and vulnerable phase of life, as an infant. He was God in the flesh, and he chose to become the most weak and the most vulnerable. He identified with humanity in embodying these two qualities. In the deep darkness of night. How profound. Confusing. Comforting. Jesus chose weakness and vulnerability in his birth, and in offering up his life in the ultimate embodiment of these qualities.
And, he is strong to hold my own weakness. My own fear. My own bitterness. My own confusion, exhaustion, heaviness and loneliness. My trying to fill the voids in my life. He knows these things. He knows. And he can hold my messy confusion and overwhelming feelings. The more I am uncovering layers of weakness, the more I am encouraged to identify with Jesus in this way. He chose the weak and vulnerable path, which seems so counterintuitive. But as I embrace my own vulnerability, I find myself relating more to God. And in some ways, to Sean.
However, I can’t just sit in feeling weak. God has also given me the gift of community and friends and family that love me dearly. I believe deeply that it is a gift and responsibility to ask for help- a task that is both SO difficult for me and SO restorative when it actually happens. I often hold to this narrative of not wanting to be a burden, like it’s the worst thing in the world for me to need something. Well… God is not allowing me to skate by and believe that I don’t need to ask for help from people. I am so blessed by people who love me enough to help me when I need. And, I know it’s a gift to others who love me to be asked to join me in this vulnerability, this life. It’s tough. And, I really haven’t worked this out yet and need a lot of practice.
Good thing I have a lot of opportunity for practice.
Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. -Psalm 62:1-2