It would have been five.

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Today I’ve lived more anniversaries without Sean than with him.
I wanted to let today just be.  I didn’t want to fashion some nugget of truth out of today to encourage myself or someone else.  Just be.

Today I wished with all of my being that I didn’t have to wake up.
Today I went to Ahavat Zion synagogue, where I felt space to be deeply sad and was also greatly uplifted.
Today I prayed, painfully. “God, why do I have to do this?”  “I feel so far from Sean.  And from you.”  “I need to know more deeply what it means to be a human in pain, in relation to you.  To identify with every human in our experience of anguish.  To identify with your son who learned suffering.”
Today I walked around Santa Monica and cleaned my apartment.
Today I bought myself flowers and a pumpkin as a remembrance of our first anniversary celebration.  The cashier commented on how perfect a pumpkin it was and I teared up at the register.
Today I watched my wedding and honeymoon videos that Annamarie put on my computer, which I have been saving for this day.
Today I finally changed the lightbulb in my kitchen.
Today I felt permeating sadness in my core, missing Sean and the life we had together.  I also felt immense gratitude- for the many people who loved and supported Sean and me through our entire relationship.  For those who love and support me so well now, as I continue my life as just me.
Today I ordered Thai food.  Pad see ew and yellow curry.


This was at a pumpkin farm we found near the beach on our first anniversary.  I love how weird we were.

“Oh if my voice could reach back through the past, I’d whisper in your ear… ‘Oh darling, I wish you were here.’ “

7 thoughts on “It would have been five.

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