It’s been a year since you were here. I kind of can’t believe it’s been that long… SO MUCH has happened this year that I wish I could talk to you about. But I think this whole year I’ve been reflecting backward- thinking back and processing the time that we were together, the time that you were sick, and all the feelings about it. Looking forward makes time go slower, I think. But looking back and being continually, constantly, consistently present to what’s going on in my mind and in my heart makes me not think about the passage of time as I normally do. So… it’s been a really full year.
I think about you all the time, Sean. All the time. Sometimes I wonder what you would do in various situations. Usually, I conclude it’s probably the opposite of what I would do. I think about all the things. When I’m driving, I think about where we went in the car together- the songs we sang, the arguments we had, the music we listened to on our occasional roadtrip. When I’m getting groceries, I think about the snacks you liked and the sour gummy things you ate. The baby coconuts you loved that bent our knife and left debris all over the kitchen floor. I think about you when people talk about their dream wedding or when they celebrate anniversaries. I think about the shows we watched together. The ideas you had. Your hoodies. How you hated getting your hair cut and made me learn how to do it for you. I could listen to Lorde or Freelance Whales all the time because they make me think of you. I think about you every time we sing at church. I miss you singing next to me. It makes me wonder what you’re doing now.
Everything is different now, Sean. On so many levels. I sometimes feel like a totally different person. And I think in a lot of ways, I am. A lot of people have told me this year that you’d just want me to be happy. And while I know you’d want me to be happy, I know that what you would want even more for me is to be challenged and grow. You’d be really proud of me. I care a lot less what people think of my decisions and don’t require so much approval from people I know. It’s your dream come true! I’ve done a lot of really hard things. I haven’t done everything perfectly, and that’s helped me learn a lot. I’ve come to understand that I’m really strong and resilient. I’m grounded and compassionate. I’m willing to take on hard things and grow from them. Maybe you knew these things about me already- I’ve only really understood this now. There were experiences this year that I really wished you were there to protect me from. Or to help me figure things out. To make decisions with. But in your absence, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I knew myself to be.
Sean, you were a loving witness to my life. That’s a role that is sorely missed. God has graciously brought people into my life that have walked with me and seen this year with me. Who have provided a safe space to work things out with. I’m so thankful for that.
The snitties are fat. And still really cute. In a weird way I wish you were here to help me take care of them. But, let’s be real. You only ever cleaned the litter box once (it’s okay, a compromised immune system is a valid excuse). I never wanted to own two cats for myself, but I think they have been an unexpected provision for me now. Also, I wish you could see the apartments they put in Hayes Valley where the garden used to be- they look ridiculous (and kind of awesome). Also, there’s a new installation in Patricia’s Green.
You are still getting views on your Youtube videos and your Vines. I watch them all the time.
I miss you Sean. I miss you with a depth that will never apply to anyone else.
-The opposite of two sniffs on your cheek. –